Yesterday was Lucy’s 4th birthday. Just when you think you are ok, you realize you are not o.k. I will never be o.k. after losing my daughter Lucy. I was overcome with sadness yesterday. If anyone even asked how I was doing I would burst into tears. I tried to pull my self together for my daughter Faith. When she woke up that morning, I told her that it was Lucy’s birthday and Mommy was sad because she was in Heaven. She looked at me and said, Lucy is not in heaven she is right there, as she pointed to the picture of her on the wall. Lucy is happy. Lucy is my friend, I play with her every morning. Wow!! My almost three year old is picking me up. She hugged me and made me feel better. Four years later, many of your friends and family might not remember the day, or they don’t want to reach out to you and bring it up, but my Angel Walk Family was there, just saying hey I am thinking about you. I am so lucky to be a part of this amazing group.

Today is a better day. And I am so looking forward to the walk next week. I want to make my Lucy proud!

Honestly, I love our Angels Walk meetings. Life is crazy, working full time and trying to enjoy my almost three year old fills most of my time. However, we all carve out some of our precious time to come together and continue the work we are doing for the Angels Walk. Sunday night, we had our next to last meeting before the walk. It looks like we are in very good shape to get all that we need done before the walk. That is the good news. Let me take a step back by telling you a big part of our meetings is about food. We take turns hosting at one of our houses and we are always fed well by whoever is hosting. The meetings are always working meeting, however we always add some fun in as well. So, for this meeting we were all given a food to bring to the meeting for our meal. Fine, no big deal….but I completely forgot until literally three minutes before arriving to Sarah and Lee’s house!!! What a terrible feeling…So I stopped at Calef’s and bought some dessert. Thankfully Lee was able to whip up a salad (which is what I was asked to bring!!) I am sure I will hear about this for quite a few meetings to come. UGG!!! Sorry everyone!!!

Brooke, Brady, Aly and I were at Home Depot this morning making a return. As we were walking through the parking lot back to our car, I turned and glanced behind me…I did a double take…walking behind me was ROADKILL!!!! Of all the people I could have seen there today, it had to be him. We said hi, then I explained that I was not there stalking him, that I simply had a return to make. His response was, “Okay.” Man of many words. =)
Anyway, I got to thinking. I’ve said, I am not a stalker. I’m not. But, maybe HE is the stalker. It’s weird that we keep ending up at the same places…Ha! Sometimes I crack myself up.

So that’s not very likely either though. So maybe it’s just meant to be that we’re going to be friends.  Crazier things have happened.  We’ve got things in common…we both have kids, they take swimming lessons, we both obviously shop at Home Depot, his wife is a teacher, I am also a teacher (even though I haven’t taught in 7 years)…we’re both shy.  It could work.  Maybe I’ll invite him to the walk.  Or maybe I’ll just keep living in my own little fantasy world.  It makes me happy!

Where to begin?  We showed up to the WHEB studio right on time. Lindsay was as cool as a cucumber (but excited), and I was nervous and excited…we could see the Buzz Crew through the doors…we saw Kelly Brown doing the news, Laura walk by, Andy at his computer…I was so excited just to see them through the doors!!

Lindsay: OK, Shannon was more than nervous and excited, she actually said to me that I could talk all I wanted but she wasn’t able to listen – haha… She could not contain her excitement and wouldn’t even let me leave her side to use the ladies room….

Kelly came to get us – and that’s when it all went crazy!!!!!!!!! We were invited IN to the studio and they were LIVE on the air! I didn’t expect what came next. Greg asked which one of us was Roadkill’s stalker!!! OMG – that would be me!!! I was instantly horrified and embarrassed, and mortified…and no matter how I tried to explain it, it just didn’t sound right. It made me sound even more like a lunatic. Of course, Lindsay didn’t help matters when she blurted out that I had emailed her a picture of Roadkill and his wife at swimming lessons…that was supposed to be our little secret!!!  (It was just to show her that he was really there.)  Anyway, someone had emailed my “Starstruck” blog to Greg. (We would love to know who so we could thank them!) Even though I was so horrified, it was so much fun!! They are all nicer than I even imagined. Greg asked about the walk and we were able to give the date and our website.  So great!!

Lindsay: What Shannon is not admitting is that she tried to escape out the door when confronted with being Roadkill’s stalker. Roadkill was only a couple feet from Shannon during the entire interview and I think he was just as embarrassed as she. By the sounds of it, he had no idea that Shannon was going to be there… And yes, I blurted out the fact that she emailed me a photo during swim class – lol… Heck, everything else was out on the table so why not put it out there… It just made the story all that much better . All I could do was laugh… 

I would like to explain that I am not really a stalker.  I don’t have time to be.  With four kids at home, ages 6, 5, 2 1/2, and 7 months, it’s hard to do.  Even at swimming lessons I couldn’t stare at Roadkill the whole time.  I liked to watch my kids swim, had to chase my 2 year old around and entertain the baby.  The kids put a damper on stalking.  And I wouldn’t just stalk Roadkill…it would have been the same with any of them.  I would be an equal opportunity stalker.

After an amazing time in the studio with them, we went with Kelly to tape our interview.  We were on such a high!  Kelly was, once again, so nice.  He makes it so easy.  He even let us tape a 30 second PSA that will play here and there between now and the walk.  Our interview aired yesterday (Sunday) morning.

This all wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t had the losses that we did.  There would be no need for us to be at the studio.  We wouldn’t have actually  met and talked to Greg, Andy, Roadkill, Laura or Kelly.  (I still would have been able to stare at Roadkill at swim lessons though!)  Thank you, Michael.  You make me smile – something I never would have imagined 4 years ago…To be able to think about you and not be sad, but instead be so incredibly happy, it’s a great feeling!  I love you!

Lindsay: For those of you who know Shannon, you’ll agree that this couldn’t have happened to a better person… The joy this brought to her day… her life… is priceless. And I definitely think that our little boys played a hand in all of this… They continue to surprise us and bring happiness and hope to our lives… THANK YOU!

And a note to Roadkill: She’s a harmless stalker… Really, she is! And if the two of you ever become friends, she’ll always have plenty of food for you when you stop for a visit (unlike Greg) – …

When I was in school, it was always around this time of year that the back to school dreams (nightmares) would start. I would dream that I would get lost in school, or that I’d be late, I’d forget to put my clothes on, etc…even when I was a teacher I had these same type of dreams. Now, with the walk exactly one month away, I’m having walk dreams. They started a few nights ago. One dream was that noone showed up to the walk. Another, we forgot all the raffle baskets at Lee’s house and we couldn’t sell any tickets, AND I had forgotten to buy the fruit and all the condiments and Lindsay was so mad at me. The one that I woke up most in a panic about was I was going on stage to read my poem, and I still had my jammies on. I had similar dreams the past 3 years, and everything was more than fine then. It’s just that so much goes into this walk that I want it to be perfect. We put our hearts and souls into this – I don’t want to mess it up!! We are all working hard to be prepared and make this year a success – and I promise, I will remember to change out of my jammies for the walk! See you in a month!!

Ok, for this entry I am not even going to pre-read it to see if it’s fitting, or ok to share. I’m gonna try the holistic approach and lay it all out there… Here’s what I wrote in my journal back on February 14th, 2008 (Valentine’s Day), about 6 months after losing Sawyer:

“It hasn’t been easy since Sawyer’s death. I miss everything about him. His baby soft skin, those soulful eyes, and the way he loved to cuddle. I could always put him at ease just by laying his head on my chest. We’d snuggle like that for hours. Tim would wrap a warm blanket around us and I’d just take all his sweetness in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had an instant bond with him. When he died I longed for that same bond. Will it ever return? Will I ever feel him again? But as the weeks and months pass, I feel our bond forever strengthening. I searched and searched, in the wee hours of those initial frightful mornings… only to realize months later that our bond has never dwindled. That Sawyer will forever be a part of me… and I of him…

In addition, I’ve had a hard time dealing with the unknown. Well, not so much now, but certainly in the beginning. We didn’t have a concrete answer as to why this happened… we still don’t even after a thorough autopsy and several tests by the genetic team. I placed a lot of blame on myself. What if his fate was not determined from the day of conception? What if I failed him and did not save him when I could have? What if I wasn’t the mom he needed me to be? I recall a doctor telling me that his condition was not the result of lack of love… But I didn’t have an answer and I wanted one. I would search the internet for hours… it was a curse… I wanted answers!!! What could I have done differently? It was a dark time.

I felt like a failure… And like somebody was playing a bad trick on me… It was just awful…

Thankfully that time has passed and I know now that our hands were tied. We were selected to make the perfect angel, and to love and prepare him to do bigger things in life… It’s what I have to tell myself to make it through… But do I truly believe? I have to…”

PHEW… Hadn’t read that one in a couple years… Reflecting back on that time and where I am now is seamless. I’m a better person, a better mother, and a better wife for having traveled such a journey. Yet I still wonder what I could have done differently. Intuitively, I know there was nothing. But as a mother who feels they can protect their young, the question I’ll take with me… And the answer I’ll find when we meet again… The answer will be that I did everything I could, and that’s all he ever asked of me…

I haven’t seen many famous people in person, but I have seen some when I went to tapings of shows like  Regis and Kathie Lee, Rosie and Ellen (that was awesome!)…I get all giddy and pretty much act like a fool.  Last year Lindsay and I had the opportunity to go to the WHEB studio in Portsmouth where all my favoraite radio personalities are from the Morning Buzz.  We were being interviewed by Kelly Brown about the walk. I saw Roadkill in the doorway and he waved to me!!! Ask Lindsay, I acted like a school girl!!  Then Kelly Brown came out to get us – I couldn’t stop giggling!!! This past spring, Roadkill’s daughters had swimming lessons at the same place and same time as Blake and Brooke!!!!!  The only thing that could have made that any better would be if the kids had been in the same class and then they would have all become friends and then I could be Roadkill’s friend.   I couldn’t stop staring at him.  He probably thinks I’m a stalker!!  I’m sure I looked like one.
Well, we go to the studio again this Wednesday to tape our interview for this year’s walk!!!  I already have butterflies!! I would love to meet them all- Greg, Andy, Laura…
Of course, the most important thing is that we get the word out about our walk. It’s a nice way to thank our sponsors, let people know what we are about.  We need to let people know that we are there for them and they are not alone on this journey.   If I make a fool out of myself, so be it.   I am going to enjoy every single second of it!  We will let you know when the interview will air.   Wish us luck!!!

Me: Who loves you?
Brady: You do!
Me: Who else?
Brady: Daddy
Me: Who else?
Brady: Blakey and Brookie and Aly and Michael and Grammie!!

Brady and I have this conversation daily. Sometimes multiple times. This was the first time he said Michael. It surprised me, but in a good way. I asked him if he knew who Michael was. He said he was his brother who lives in Heaven. We have never really talked much about Michael to Brady because he is still so young. We remember him in our prayers every night though. Someday we can tell Brady and Aly, the story of their big brother.

We received this fantastic note from a visitor to our site:

“Hi – I just wanted to thank you for what you are doing here.  I stumbled upon your web site in a round-about way and am glad I did.  I myself lost 4 babies, all in increasingly awful ways.  It’s been about 10 years since the 4th loss and I recently began writing my story in plans to try and share it with others.  There was just nowhere to turn when I lost them and it was scary and isolating.  I’m debating getting more involved, and still may.  But if you never hear from me again – just know that I’m glad you’re doing what you’re doing and I thank you for being there for others.  Well Wishes,  —–”

It is notes like these that confirm why we do what we do. We too felt so alone, and so scared. But amazingly, we are NOT alone and should NEVER have to face such a journey on our own…

In the year after Sawyer’s death I kept a journal and attended a “writing through grief” support group. I thought it might be interesting to share some of those entries. Below is one from January 24th, 2008 (approx. 5 months after Sawyer died). I was at the support group and we were asked to write in response to the poem “In a Room w/ Five People, Six Griefs,” by Jane Hirshfield:

“That sixth grief is that of our own loved one. The grief of my son. His sadness for having to leave us so soon. But he resides… he does not suffer as we do… he shines… The “room” is God’s arms as he holds each of us and allows us the ability to be weak and the courage to stand… The walls keep us safe. The windows shed light and the ceiling keeps us grounded… The door is the key. NOT only a place for things to enter, but a place for us to wonder. The door offers hope and new purpose. It welcomes relief and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that we may never again be whole… Back to the “quivering fear.” Will I ever be the same? Do I ever want to be? The door leads me to a new ME… a new journey – a heightened awareness of what it feels to be honored. To be fresh. To be… just to be. I think I’ll take that door – open it and walk through… but I won’t close it… just in case I ever feel the need to return…”